Seeking Help and Getting Diagnosis – Hope

 

The intrusive thoughts made Hope scared to ask for help as she feared her baby might be taken away.

Written testimony

I felt scared of myself, I felt these intrusive visual thoughts of horrific things that could happen or even that I could do, I could drop my baby, I could drown my baby, I could smash my baby, I could kill my baby. I was so scared of myself, and I knew I needed to get help, because – and I was scared to get help, because I was scared they would take my baby away, because of those horrific thoughts I would have. They would really scare me, I didn’t know what to do with those thoughts, and thank goodness my husband, like we have a very good relationship and strong relationship, and I could tell him, and I was scared he was going to hurt the baby too. And I was scared that if the baby was out of my sight someone would hurt the baby, but I was also scared I could hurt the baby, and so I had a lot of these intrusive thoughts.

Anyway, I knew I needed to get help, I got help by the same woman who, the same doctor who specializes in medication and pregnancy, she also specializes in the postpartum distress period, and she helped right away. She normalized it right away, because I was very scared of the intrusive thoughts, they’re absolutely horrific, and they were absolutely horrific, and she looked at me and she said; it’s very normal. And I just cried, because I felt abnormal, really abnormal, and it is abnormal, it’s maladaptive, those intrusive thoughts can be adaptive mechanisms, you know, but they get out of control or maladaptive and it’s not normal, like you know, I needed to see somebody.

Interviewer: And you described that you were afraid that if you would look for help that you could lose your baby.

I was very afraid.

Interviewer: So, how can you describe how it went when you did start looking for help or?

I came to the point where the risk of me losing my baby to like the authorities, and I say this and when I said this to medical professionals they smiled and laughed and looked at me with like a loving gaze and said; you are not going to lose your baby, you are not crazy, you know. But it got to the intrusive thoughts and the way I felt got to the point where I was willing to sacrifice me like being thrown in jail for having these thoughts and never seeing my baby again than me having those thoughts with my baby, because that’s how scared I was. I was willing to do that, so when I went to go get help, I thought that maybe that might happen, but I didn’t want to risk hurting my baby, even though the bond still was very not there. I clearly still loved my baby, and that’s another thing that the doctor said; you love your baby. Because it’s clear you love your baby so much, you know. I didn’t feel it though, but I did. But yeah, I was – when I made the first call . . . when I talked to the first doctor about it.

Interviewer: Who did you look for, the doctor was?

The first doctor, so my baby had a checkup, and my doctor that I’m very close with, who was on mat leave, and so her replacement was there and I just told him right away that I need help, yeah. And so, he ordered bloods and made a referral to a psychiatry and whoever the, so I didn’t know I was going to go see the same doctor that I saw prenatally, but anyways, that’s who picked up the referral I guess. And so, I went to go see her and . . . yeah, I was scared that they were going to take my baby away, but as soon as the doctor looked at me and said, you’re not going, I said, they’re going to take my baby away and send me to the loony bin, and he said, no they’re not. And that really helped, you know, but at the same time, I couldn’t really communicate my distress, because I don’t look, maybe right now, and so I’m not very put together right now, but you know, we’re a healthy family, I don’t look distressed.

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